Divorcing A Narcissist – 10 Useful Tips

by Ella Carrillo · February 13, 2024

Divorcing a narcissist is never an easy option, and it may be more challenging if your partner is an abusive narcissist. It may come with challenges that may make the process emotionally draining. They may be worried that their reputation may be smeared during the divorce process.

Here is your guide full of useful tips that may dissolve the complexities of the issue.

What should you know before divorcing a Narcissist?

Before pursuing a divorce, you must know a few key points, that can solve the complexity of the process for you. Here are the important points,

People with a Narcissistic personality disorder, hate to lose, thus they would use anything and anyone against them to win and even get the custody of kids.

They may play the victim and make you the bad person
They may not show remorse for your feelings
They would not quit no matter what
They will try to make multiple attempts and exaggerate the issue
If nothing works in their favor, they may try to win you back through love bombing and lies

Divorcing a Narcissist – 10 Useful Tips

Narcsisits would be projecting all the hate, guilt, shame, and malfunctioning of the marriage toward you as a narcissist cannot bear to be the one who is guilty and this would tarnish their image. Hence be ready to receive all the blame and be ready to be held accountable for the divorce.

Also, they may file for child custody before you even think of any workable plans as soon as they are aware of your plan to divorce them. Thus you may need advanced plans that are workable to deal with your narcissistic spouse.

Keep copies of everything

When you are about to divorce a narcissistic partner, you may need to be extra prepared. You need to have ample evidence to prove your case stronger. Everyone needs proof, so you may need to save as much proof as possible.

Start collecting shreds of evidence in the form of text messages, documents that can serve as proof, emails, screenshots, or even video proof. If you are in a verbal argument with a narcissist, you may write down how they behaved or record their behavior which may include narcissistic rage or abuse.

Also, consider seeking written testimonies from others and support from as many people as possible. But also you may need to keep in mind that narcissists would always be ahead of you in all ways as they like to control and win all situations. Thus collect as much evidence as possible, which can make your appeal more plausible.

Keep your support system stronger

While going through a tough time, you may need ample support from your loved ones. Your support system can include friends, family, acquaintances, or anyone you can trust with your life and rely on.

Such people would be able to provide reassurance and would have your back no matter what. If you live away from your family, try connecting with people who may be available to you where you are. Try connecting with an online support group if you may, or also try to be emotionally strong and independent.

Secure a successful law professional

Finding a strong and secure lawyer who would substantially help you win your case against a narcissist. Finding someone well aware of the narcissist’s thought processes, their conduct, their approach, and their abuse.

Hiring just the right type of person ensures your victory in such a complicated case because divorcing a narcissist is going to be a complex process. So finding someone who understands such personalities and those who have handled such cases previously is a must. Hiring such a professional who understands the subtleties of narcissistic personalities becomes crucial. A lawyer who can bring out the shady and disguised personality of the narcissist is the right choice here.

Maintain your digital boundaries

Establishing, maintaining, and reviewing your boundaries is a must when you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse. You must make sure that you have blocked your abusive spouse on all social media platforms, email accounts, and even bank accounts.

You must change your shared passwords and also withdraw your share or amount from your shared possessions. You must avoid contacting them directly or letting them know clearly how they must reach you, either through a specific method or through your lawyer. Thus you must review all your boundaries, especially your digital boundaries.

Ensure your Physical Safety

If you do not have a place to reside, take shelter at a safe place, be it at your parent’s place or anyone you can rely on. Once you decide and announce that you wish to part ways with the narcissist, they will make sure you are ripped of all ways of survival independently.

They may ask you to live on your own separately, or also make a mental pressure so that you lose your child’s custody. They would make sure that you become helpless by all means. They may also smear your reputation so that no one around you helps you.

When you face the separation situation from the narcissist, then public shelters or places for domestic abuse victims, or some NGOs related to the same can help you to survive for the time being if you do not wish to burden any of your relatives. These places provide security, confidentiality, and protection along with food, shelter, and other valuable services.

Organize your plans and ensure their workability

When you are divorcing a narcissist, you may want to avoid telling them about your plan of getting a divorce, until you are prepared two hundred percent, because with a narcissist you may need to prepare a little extra while divorcing them.

You must have your thoughts, plans, and procedures aligned and ready to give them a tough fight. You may also have your self-confidence boosted so that there is no lack from your side for the part of the plan.

If they find your weak link, your plan is going to get weaker and they may also sabotage your efforts. Thus plan accurately before proceeding with any major steps. Ensure that your plan is foolproof and works best for any challenge that they may be throwing at you.

Stay calm and focused

All a narcissist would want that you to get derailed from your track of focus so that they can divert your attention and win.

Narcissists always are ready to provoke a reaction out of you, so refusing to engage in an argument, especially in a courtroom can save you from getting emotional. This can be an effective way to avoid giving them attention. Not engaging in any kind of drama, heated arguments, or disagreements to just prove your truth may help you to maintain your cool.

Let your attorney handle the heated arguments as they are experts in the language of the law. Responding in a non-emotional, calm, and composed way can beat their game. Showing them that their behavior is not going to affect you, may save you from all the drama and this might also provoke them into showing their true selves to the judges.

Before reacting to anything that a narcissist might accuse you of, take a deep breath and try to calm yourself down. This will give you time to think about how to respond and respond in the best possible way rather than reacting impulsively and adding more to the already what is going on regarding the custody.

Try to stay calm and rational as much as possible. Do not take the bait or get caught in a blame-shifting or victim-blaming game. Keep your emotions under control when dealing with a narcissist. It is important to remain calm and composed during the custody battle. The best way to maintain your calm is to let your lawyer handle the situation efficiently.

This becomes difficult to maintain your cool, especially in matters that involve your child, but it is crucial. Just remember that you would start losing the battle the moment you lose your cool and get into an argument because the narcissist exactly wishes the same.

Avoid badmouthing

Narcissists have their flying monkeys lined up for them.

“Flying Monkeys” is a term used to describe people who bid for narcissists, side with them, or do their dirty work to charge punishments on their targets. Flying Monkeys are the supporters, minions, and helpers who help their cruel agendas of threatening you, showing you what you are missing, forcing you to get back with them, or even being a reason that a narcissist might be upset with you when you share a concern regarding them with one of their flying monkeys.

So when you vent out to any mutual friends or family members ensure that they are not blabbermouths or one of the flying monkeys.

Now how would you ensure this?

One way is that you do not vent out to mutually connected people like common friends, or family members who are biased.
Another way is that you keep a check on whom you are checking and where their social network connects.
A third way is that you do not vent out to anyone, and just write how you feel and then burn the paper. This way you may feel emotionally secure and your problems do not become an issue of mockery and entertainment for others.

Not sharing any negative information will be safer for you as the narcissist would not be able to use anything specific or anyone specific against you in the courtroom when you file for a divorce.

Ensure that you have healthy boundaries and double-check them

Boundaries ensure that you do not have to face any unwanted situation, especially at such a tough time of your life. Do not let your narcissistic spouse control you and walk all over you.

Do not let their thoughts intrude on your well-being, thus ensuring your future. If you are co-operating, you may have to stay in contact, but maintain boundaries here, and also ask your lawyer to renew and strengthen your boundaries for you.

Now, the narcissist is not going to follow your boundaries and they would break the limits too, but you have to make sure and double-check that you apply some hard-core consequences when your boundaries are broken.

Be ready for anything

When you are dealing with a narcissist, be ready for the worst-case scenarios. Narcissists usually target your insecurities, and weaknesses and also comment on the grey areas of the relationship in court. They do this intentionally to make you lose your calm and control and react impulsively. Narcissists are sly and cunning and thus they can find your weak links to manipulate and exploit your insecurities and twist the truth thus making the situation look like it lacks reality.

Besides this, narcissists have this godly image that they present to the people whom they meet for the first. People can be easily swayed by their charm, charisma, and the way they make the lies sound like truths.

So if you wish to win the divorce and child custody battle against a narcissist, then work harder on providing pieces of evidence and tangible proof, because winning against a narcissist through a verbal argument is impossible. Thus plan out well and collect as much evidence as possible.

Also, their counter-arguments might make you irritated, and frustrated and might also make you lose your calm, but remember that this is purely their strategic game to beat you at the custody battle.

Thus you must be ready for ANYTHING and every worst-case scenario as you are dealing with your narcissistic spouse and no one knows them better than you do.

Additional vital points to remember while divorcing your narcissistic spouse

While divorcing a narcissist, there are a few points that you need to take care of,

You have to remember the result that is your freedom and not the struggle you have to face during the divorce process, so do not give up
Take care of your finances and other important assets first and then plan ahead

Gaining professional help and all sorts of support from friends and family is a must
Learning to push their buttons to make them worked up
Start focusing on self-care and self-love
Preparing your arguments and your side of the story with some solid groundwork

Remember that divorcing a narcissist is not going to be easy and can be a hell of a roller coaster journey for you. But remember the freedom you are going to get from all the abuse and toxicity.

Final Thoughts

Going through a divorce can be difficult as is, but it becomes even more difficult with the narcissist in the picture. Also, it can be draining both emotionally and mentally. It can be a challenging situation too, as narcissists do not like to let their guard down or lose in any situation.

But choosing the right attorney, keeping your cool, and using your wits can lead you to win the custody battle.

Fighting against narcissists might drain your peace, and emotional stability, and even worsen your patience, but remember that you are doing this for yourself and your children.

You must remember the result of your divorce is your freedom and not the struggle you have to face during the divorce process, so do not give up.

Author
Recent Posts

Ella Carrillo

Hey Reader, I am Ella, an Online and Offline Therapist holding an experience of 6 years in this field.

From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.

Divorcing A Narcissist – 10 Useful Tips

What should you know before divorcing a Narcissist?