What Does a Narcissist Actually Want in a Relationship? (Truth Revealed)

by Ella Carrillo · August 12, 2023

What Does a Narcissist Actually Want in a Relationship? Narcissists are extremely complex and have complicated relationships. They are self-absorbed and all they do is care for their own selves all the time, but sometimes they might act strange by over involving in relationships, love bombing, or doing unexpected things to take you by surprise.

They constantly have this duality in their personalities, that gives hot and cold vibes. One moment they would be this super caring and loving partner and the next moment they would be acting all distant like they do not even know that you exist in their world. This is called having a hot and hot personality where a person’s duality can confuse those around them. They expect a lot from a relationship, be it with a family member, a romantic interest, or someone they plan to get acquainted with.

It becomes difficult to figure out indeed, “What Does a Narcissist Actually Want in a Relationship?”, as they act the way they wish. But the concrete answer to this question is, All a narcissist cares about is themselves.

What Does a Narcissist Actually Want in a Relationship?

Every narcissistic individual is different and their needs also would differ. But keeping their characteristics, in the picture, there are a few needs that most of the narcissists would have in common.

1. The opposite of their bad side

Narcissists view people and value them by their qualities. Either you are totally worthy or totally unworthy in their eyes. There is no in-between or any grey zone. Once you are put on their not-so-worthy list, they might consider you as “good for nothing”.

They not only do this with other people but also with themselves. They have this deeper dark side to them which often contains their flaws, shortcomings, and failures. But they would hide them as they hate being weak or being proven as a failure. Thus they would try to compensate for their flaws and failures by finding someone who is totally opposite to them in those areas.

For instance, if a narcissist faces insecurities and has an inferiority complex, regarding their looks or body shape, they would always prefer someone who is better looking and has a good physique.

2. Loyalty

Narcissists would want loyal partners when they themselves are deceiving. Narcissists are even unfaithful to their own selves, thus they would want someone who would be unconditionally faithful to them.

Loyalty is not one-way, as it works both ways. They want their partners to be loyal only to them, bear their toxic and manipulative nature and not leave the abusive relationship whereas their infidelity might even continue even after commitment or even marriage in some cases.

Loyalty is their weak pursuit as Narcissists fear abandonment, betrayal, and disgrace while they are in a relationship. They are not loyal to the partners but they would keep testing their partner’s loyalty. They expect their partners to be truthful and devoted to them, but when it comes to them, they would be the most ungrateful and unfaithful partners anyone could ever get.

3. High Status

Narcissists love things that can enhance their grandiose image. So they love people who are worthy, valuable or hold power and importance. They would grab an opportunity to land up with a partner who has a high value in society, high status, someone who is wealthy, affluent, and influential as they would always be interested in raising their worth by flaunting someone elite.

Although they would not want their partner to be more affluent than them as they consider themselves as the best and more worthy than others. But they would always prefer someone equally strong and powerful as them.

4. Someone that does not ask questions

Narcissists have fragile egos and they do not like people who question their ways. They do not like when people question why are they acting the way are, or what is their plan ahead, or when people question their feelings.

Narcissists want someone who would blindly do as they as, would just follow as they say, and just not deny anything. They desire their freedom without facing any consequences.

5. They need someone accepting

There are many instances, where people turn narcissistic due to their traumatic past and past events. It is either their abusive childhood where they always felt ignored, inferior, and lacking, or the parenting style where they were always compared, degrading their worth and value.

They might have had faced many traumatic past experiences where they were not accepted, always asked to change and they are never enough. This might lead narcissists to want someone who can accept them the way they are.

They want someone who can compensate for the traumatic past, for all the abusive bygone events and the experiences that lead them to be narcissistic. Thus they want someone who is not narcissistic, not comparing, and someone who is supportive and uplifting.

6. A replication of a good past

Not only negative experiences may lead a person to be narcissistic, but there are a few other things that are not completely negative that may lead to narcissism. If a child is overly protected, overly pampered, and never criticized for what they do then also they might be narcissistic due to opposing to what so ever they do.

They would always be praised, even for the negative things they do. They would always be coddled by their parents. So when such a person is not criticized by their parents, would want such a person as their partner who is also overly praising and overindulging.

7. Intimacy

Narcissists crave intimacy as they are social creatures. They always like to be surrounded by a group of friends or a social group. They are shallow and thus they have shallow bonds with other people too.

Narcissists form superficial bonds, that are based on transactional relations. This makes them hungry to form real deep connections with intimacy. Thus they always crave intimacy while forming other bonds.

8. Empathy

Empaths can feel and experience emotions at a deeper level. Narcissistic individuals desire empathetic people as they feel empaths can feel them and their emotions and would be understanding.

Narcissists are individuals with a lot of internal conflicts, and imbalance and lack that emotional bonding that is required to live effortlessly and happily. A lack of empathy or a low empathy has been proposed as a prime reason for the narcissist’s hurtful, nasty, cold-hearted, insensitive, and negative behavior towards other people.

9. Forgiveness

Narcissists often have complex relationships, and their behavior may be hurtful to others most of the time. Thus they desire someone who can easily forgive like nothing ever happened.

Narcissists have really harsh tendencies t hurt others, and so they need someone who can forgive them and who is an exceptionally easy-going target. This may help to maintain a good relationship if one makes trouble and others just forgive effortlessly and narcissists believe so.

10. Someone who will set their own needs aside

Narcissists are the meanest, most selfish, and most self-obsessed people you can ever come across. They always think of themselves first, and also they are self-aware of that. Thu they desire someone who is selfless, easy going and positive.

Why are relationships with narcissists so difficult and complex?

All a narcissist wants or expects from all relationships, be it a personal or intimate relationship, be it with family or be it a professional relationship, is a way to deal with their own complex emotions without being responsible for them. They project their own insecurities, complexities, and toxicity on you which does not leave any option for the victim but to phase or bear such manipulations because, in a victim’s eyes, the narcissist’s behavior is completely irrational and without any context of why they are doing so!

Narcissists tend to self-loathe and hide the true dark sides of their personalities which include hatred behind their toxic and manipulative tactics. They are so inclined to not take responsibility for what they feel and thus they make you the target and hold you responsible for all the emotional and mental health complexities they go through. They project all their anger, hatred, and intentions onto the people they deal with or include in their life.

Narcissists prefer to be seen as nearly perfectly casted beings. They are full of themselves. So they would do everything to avoid any mishap that can spoil their nearly perfect image. They are just lustrous on the outside but very dark on the inside as they hide all their realities and leave in a world made of falseness and fake facades.

Relationships are a narcissist’s way of releasing or diverting all their anger, emotional turmoil, hatred, and toxicity, otherwise, they would just go crazy or explode with all that emotional disturbance inside. They need a release and relationships are their gateway. And that is the reason why a narcissist can replace you easily and quickly move on to their next relationship without even blinking.

Final Thoughts

So if you are involved in a toxic, abusive, and unhealthy relationship with a narcissist, then the best option you can have is to leave such a relationship. Do not expect a narcissist to change for you, as they never change and instead, they might turn you into their liking.

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Ella Carrillo

Hey Reader, I am Ella, an Online and Offline Therapist holding an experience of 6 years in this field.

From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.

What Does a Narcissist Actually Want in a Relationship? (Truth Revealed)