How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist?
How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist? Narcissists can be troublesome parents and partners, but it is even more challenging when it comes to co-parenting with them after a divorce. Thus, here are a few tips that may help you with the co-parenting situation with a narcissist in the picture.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting involves two partners who are either separated, not in a relationship, or are not living together. Even under the best circumstances, it is difficult to communicate, make decisions for your kids, decide upon duties and other important aspects become difficult when you decide to co-parent.
Shared parenting arrangements may be tough on kids and on the parents too. It may even be tougher when one of the parents is a narcissist. Co-parenting involves two partners who are either separated, not in a relationship, or are not living together. Even under the best circumstances, it is difficult to communicate, make decisions for your kids, decide upon duties and other important aspects become difficult when you decide to co-parent.
Is Co-Parenting with a narcissistic partner possible?
In normal conditions, this may seem a little difficult initially but it may familiarize you soon once you start practicing and check the practicality of the co-parenting methods, rules, and techniques. But what happens when you have to share the task of co-parenting with someone who displays narcissistic traits?
Being in a relationship and living under the same roof may seem like a task with the narcissist, so it may seem intimidating once you part ways with them and decide on co-parenting for the sake of your children.
Daunting as it may seem, co-parenting is not as tough as you might have imagined. Just establishing a few rules, and boundaries, avoiding some topics, ignoring the manipulation at times and a few more steps can make co-parenting with a narcissist easier than you might have expected.
However co-parenting with a narcissistic partner is possible though it may not be exactly co-parenting, it may involve safe and efficient communication, keeping minimal expectations, organizing responsibilities, and building healthy boundaries.
It might not be more of co-parenting, but parallel parenting and you may strictly treat it as the same, where two partners are involved in the business of upbringing and growth of their kids together but living under different conditions.
What is Parallel Parenting?
It so happens that when you part ways with a narcissist, it may not always be on good terms, and in most cases, it is emotional turmoil. So between all this, managing a co-parenting situation becomes challenging at many levels.
Also co-parenting with narcissists is out of the picture, and thus parallel parenting is always a good option.
In simple terms, Parallel parenting is a co-parenting arrangement but the major benefit here is that the parents have limited or no direct contact with each other, which makes it manageable for both partners after a divorce.
Parallel parenting is usually done when both partners have a messy and high-conflict relationship and cannot communicate any further due to a lack of cooperation.
Parallel parenting also allows one to stay in touch with the children of both parents without disclosing their relationship conflict.
The children would also get an equal amount of time with both parents in the case of parallel parenting. This is possible because in parallel parenting both parents own their responsibilities as a parent and need to fulfill those without collaborating or seeking consent from the other parent.
The plus side of parallel parenting is that there is not much communication needed between both partners as responsibilities are pre-discussed, shared, and fulfilled in the form of owned tasks to keep up with parenting.
The communication is often done through emails, texts, or through social media platforms to keep the communication documented to avoid any further conflict.
Challenges of Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist
There may be many challenges that you may have to face while parallel parenting with a narcissist. Thus a few challenges are discussed below,
- Arrogant and rude behavior
- Exaggerating achievements and talents to kids
- Interference with your child’s routine, belongings, appointments
- Not being agreeable to things that are better for the child
- The narcissistic partner is unable to love your children the same ways as you do due to a lack of empathy
- Talking behind back to the kids to make their image stronger as a parent in the child’s perception
- Breaking boundaries and also undermining your parenting techniques
- For narcissists their kids are an extension of themselves, when they refuse to imply certain behaviors, they may ignored and considered a hindrance to the narcissistic parent.
- They would try using you against your children.
- They would never agree upon the same things even if it is better for the children.
So now the question arises, how do you co-parent or do parallel parenting with a narcissist? Here are some do’s, don’ts, and ways to protect your children from a narcissistic parent.
How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist?
Co-parenting with someone who possesses narcissistic traits is extremely challenging as they are inflexible, toxic, and complicated to understand. They are manipulative and thus they may manipulate others to work their ways.
If you are co-parenting or parallel parenting with a narcissist it is going to be a difficult journey, but there are some do’s and don’ts that can help you make this process easier,
What to do if your co-parent is a Narcissist? – The Do’s
These tips can help you co-parent with a narcissist,
Set Boundaries
Narcissists hardly respect other people’s boundaries and often try to cross them thus it becomes crucial to mark your boundaries clearly as their behavior is ego-driven. Setting boundaries might upset the narcissistic co-parent at first, but with time this would ensure your mental peace, individuality, and privacy.
You decide for yourself and your children what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Setting boundaries would allow you to not break them thus preventing you from giving into narcissistic manipulative tactics. Thus it may be advisable to build and implement healthy co-parenting boundaries.
Accept the fact that you have to deal with a narcissist
Dealing with an ex is difficult, but it becomes even more overwhelming when you have to deal with a narcissistic ex-partner. You need to acknowledge the fact that you are dealing with someone who is emotionally draining and can cause stress for you and your children too.
Also, prepare your children and disclose the facts about the narcissistic parent to them too. They might hesitate to believe so but when you explain the details and certain reasons for their toxic behavior they might eventually get through the situation. This way you and the children are both aware of the tyrant narcissist you must face.
Thus learning more about certain toxic traits and finding ways to make co-parenting easier can create a healthy environment for you and your children. Acknowledge your children of the specific aspects and traits of a narcissist when they are mature enough to understand so that the transition between parents becomes easier.
The important traits that need to be understood and highlighted are,
- Lack of Empathy
- Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Abuse
- Manipulation and control
- No concept of maintaining boundaries
- Belittling and degrading others to prove a point
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- The sense of entitlement and self-worth
Have a Perspective
When you are co-parenting with a narcissist, you may lose your perspective in the meantime. While you have a heated situation with the narcissist, you may want to step aside from the issue and focus on the real deal which is the children’s welfare and well-being.
Do not let the narcissistic co-parent seek what they wish to satisfy their inflated sense of self and egos, instead keep your energy focused on maintaining the well-being of your children.
Make a Parenting Plan
It is a necessity to create an efficient parenting plan while dealing with a narcissist as the co-parent of your children. This will make sure that everyone is aware of how things may work out and children also know what is expected from them when they have to spend time with their respective parents.
A parenting plan should be considered a serious agreement that may or may not be legalized and should be agreed upon by both co-parents. Also, you may add consequences when the contract may be breached by either of the parents.
A parenting plan includes how and when to pick up and drop off the kids, how to handle their school and after-school activities, how to discipline them, how to talk to them, and how to deal with them efficiently. Make this plan and stick it to a visible area where both of you can read and follow it.
Make everything Legal
The narcissistic co-parent would like to have a dn would fight for as many child custody rights as possible. Narcissists may be more interested in winning the child custody case, more than actually caring for the child’s welfare. They just want to be proven and chosen as faultless and perfect parents in the eyes of the law. Thus they might be doing their best to win the child custody rights.
Thus having things work out lawfully might be best for everyone, this way the narcissist cannot manipulate you or the kids into some low tricks and win the children over. Handling things lawfully may limit their opportunities to abuse and manipulate the children and disregard their responsibilities.
Limiting Communication
Communicating with a narcissist is challenging, especially after parting ways. However, the best way to ensure that the co-parenting plan works effortlessly is by maintaining healthy and limited communication. Maintaining effective communication is effective for you and your children too.
Here are some tips to keep the communication healthy and efficient,
- It is expected while communicating with a narcissist that they may behave vigorously and in a hostile manner, but you need to keep your calm and composure to avoid getting into unwanted conflicts.
- Using “I” statements to avoid accusations.
- Try to stay away from conflicts and manipulative tactics, if you have to be a part of any sort of toxicity just dodge it by changing the topic.
- Make a habit of using shared communication platforms for important dates, messaging apps for texting, or using emails to share mutual information to avoid direct contact.
- Avoid involving personal issues or feelings with your narcissistic ex. This may ensure that the conversations are to the point and completely related to co-parenting only.
- Seeking professional help or having a mediator if the process of communication seems strenuous.
What not to do if your co-parent is a Narcissist? – The Don’ts
There are a few things you should not do while you have a narcissistic co-parent and they are,
Do not be afraid of them
When you know what ticks off or triggers a narcissist, you have the key to manipulating the narcissist too. So do not be afraid of them; instead face them. Attention is all they need, so give them attention and you are good to go.
Do not use your children
When you are co-parenting with your narcissistic partner after parting ways, stick to the ordeal and restricted communication methods.
Do not drag your kids into your conflicts. The narcissistic parent would already be doing that and triangulating situations in their favor. But you should not do the same. Ask your kid what you need to discuss some things with your partner, and they can’t be a part of that, they will be updated later. Do not make your child the messenger that carries your messages to and from.
Do not argue
Do not get worked up, when you have to face the elicit behavior of your kids due to the narcissistic partner.
Not engaging in any kind of drama, heated arguments, or disagreements to just prove your truth may help you to maintain your cool. Try and teach this to your parents too and thus it might be helpful for them to learn some coping mechanisms.
Do not use your child
Your narcissistic partner may try to drag your kids into your fights to get what they want. They may involve kids in manipulative activities like spying on you, but you do not do so. Keep your away from all this as much as possible.
How to Protect Your Kids?
Protecting your kids from the harming and abusive tactics of the narcissistic parent is essential,
Give them a safe space
When a child feels protected they can be more open about how they feel and what they go through in their lives. Children always run to a safe parent while they are in trouble, so be that parent! Creating a safe space includes teaching your kid to differentiate between how their parent’s behavior is wrong and they do not need to learn that.
Be open with your kids
Providing this information to children may be difficult as they may not be able to understand the mental health disorder completely and it might take some time for them to understand why their other parent behaves so or how they need to be more mature than them.
If your child is younger they may not be able to understand the meaning of narcissism, and might just go around repeating whatever they learned, and, might also discuss the same with their other parent. So be careful about your younger children. If your children are mature enough, they will understand this and try to find ways to cope with their narcissistic parents.
Watch for signs of abuse
Look for the signs of abuse that may denote physical, mental, or emotional abuse, and also ask your kid to discuss everything freely.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with a narcissistic partner is possible though it may not be exactly co-parenting, it may involve safe and efficient communication, keeping minimal expectations, organizing responsibilities, and building healthy boundaries.
It might not be more of co-parenting, but parallel parenting and you may strictly treat it as the same, where two partners are involved in the business of upbringing and growth of their kids together but living under different conditions.
If you are co-parenting or parallel parenting with a narcissist it is going to be a difficult journey, but there are some do’s and don’ts that are mentioned above that can help you make this co-parenting process easier.
From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.
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