Do Narcissists Know That They are Gaslighting? (& How to Deal with it?)

by Ella Carrillo · February 10, 2023

Do Narcissists Know That They are Gaslighting? Gaslighting is one of the most common tactics used by a narcissist to manipulate their victims. Often while discussing about manipulation tactics, one word often comes to notice and that is gaslighting. Narcissists are experts in twisting and turning situations, your words, their lies, facts, and anything that can make them look good and worthy in their favor in no time.

Narcissists are charmers, charmers with words, sweet talkers, and can distort the reality of the situation in no time. They can turn a complete situation in their favor in a short span of time. They can even turn truths into twisted lies and vice versa. Gaslighting is one of the most prominent techniques utilized by narcissists to turn situations, to make themselves look good, and as a coping or defense mechanism when caught doing something wrong.

So let us know more about gaslighting, “Do Narcissists Know That They are Gaslighting?” and “How to Deal with it?” further.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a pattern of abuse or manipulation used by manipulators, abusers, cult leaders, narcissists, or people who wish to always have control over situations and their victims. Gaslighters can change the reality of the situation and they are capable to prove themselves innocent when you blame them for their wrongdoing. Thus gaslighting is a technique that can allow an abuser to create such an atmosphere where the victims question their own reality and it forces the victims to doubt their own sanity.

For instance, they would just twist the reality of the situation. Narcissists would be abusive and irrational but would never accept it rather than keep denying such facts. When you point at their mistakes they would tell you things like, “Stop acting all paranoid”, “Don’t overreact to little things”, or “You sound crazy”. When in reality you would not be wrong but instead they would prove that the problem is with you and not them.

Do Narcissists know that they are Gaslighting?

The answer to this question is analogous. Most of the narcissists are aware of the gaslighting technique and even with that, they are gaslighting their victims deliberately, who are termed as deliberate abusers. In some cases, narcissists are not aware that the technique that they use is termed as gaslighting yet they do it unknowingly out of habit’ and they are termed as unintentional abusers. So the answer to the question, “Do Narcissists know that they are Gaslighting?” is quite dubious.

Some narcissists may even learn this technique from other abusers, and in most such cases, the abusers learn it from their parents or family members as they have grown up within such an abusive atmosphere. Narcissists gaslight in order to have a sense of control by making others dependent on them. Gaslighting is also used to establish authority. Some narcissists use gaslighting to boost their ego by proving others wrong even if they are not, or to escape some unwanted situation too. When a narcissist is blamed for some wrongdoing, then also they use gaslighting to distort the reality of the situation and shift the blame by projecting it towards you.

How do you spot gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a completely cyclical incident. It does not just happen once, it is a repetitive abusive cycle of multiple events for which you are a victim. For instance, gaslighters use statements like,

“What I did was not that bad, and you also know that.”
“Whatever I have done, is unintended, it just happened to be so.”
“You are not able to understand what I am trying to convey. It is you who is misunderstanding the situation.”

Note:

The important thing to note here is that gaslighting is a completely cyclical incident. It does not just happen once, it is a repetitive abusive cycle of multiple events for which you are a victim.

Also not all those who use these statements are abusers, but one should not that abusers use such sort of statements more often and in a repetitive manner to manipulate their victims.

Why do narcissists use Gaslighting?

Narcissists gaslight in order to have a sense of control by making others dependent on them.
Some narcissists use gaslighting, out of their natural habit, as they might have had a traumatic childhood because of abusive parents who might also have used the same gaslighting technique with them. Thus they also learn and implement the same with others.
Narcissists use Gaslighting to establish authority.
Some narcissists use gaslighting to boost their ego by proving others wrong even if they are not, or to escape some unwanted situation too.
When a narcissist is blamed for some wrongdoing, then also they use gaslighting to distort the reality of the situation and shift the blame by projecting it towards you.

How to deal with Gaslighting?

Stand firm in your truth
Keep the conversations short and simple
Note things down
Avoid Arguments
Learn to deny the abuser calmly
Consulting a professional
Have compassion for yourself
Join support groups
Remember that you cannot control other people’s actions
Get out of the relationship and do not return

1. Stand firm in your truth

standing firm in your truth or grounding yourself is the utmost defense mechanism to cope with gaslighting. Gaslighters usually try to distort your perception of truth and personality and try to dominate their perception and force you to live that way.

A gaslighter or a narcissist would often try to break your truth or the foundation of your perceptions by telling various lies, or by actions, or by deceiving you to believe otherwise.

2. Keep the conversations short and simple

Keeping the conversations short and simple would allow you to fulfill the purpose of the discussion. Because an abuser would lie perfectly and effortlessly and would try to tangle you into conversations, but remember to shift the conversation from distortion to reality.

3. Note things down

to ground your truth and to know more about the abusive pattern of the abuser, noting what is happening in your journal, or keeping some sort of track through recording it in your phone, or registering in any manner that you can later refer to is the best way to be confident to guard your truth and not let the narcissist win every time and manipulate you.

4. Avoid Arguments

Narcissists are experts at arguments and there is no winning against them. They would always want the last words in the argument, so it is better to put straight facts forward and not argue with the narcissist. Instead, learn to handle the gaslighting with some witty statements and try your best to avoid arguments.

5. Learn to deny the abuser calmly

If at any point you feel that you are being forced or dragged into a situation that does not fit with your fundamentals, learn to say no or deny the abuser that you cannot be involved in whatever they are asking for.

6. Consulting a professional

Seeking help from professionals like therapists, taking healing therapies, consulting, and discussing the issues with experts can help out a lot in such matters. Sometimes if the abuse increases certain limit and reaches violent measures, do not hesitate to include law-enforced measures or consulting experts for that matter.

7. Have compassion for yourself

When you have been abused for a long time and exposure to such negativity may force you to see yourself in a different manner and also you might not like the skin that you are wearing after becoming the person that the narcissist has been making you out of gaslighting.

So to cope with all the abuse and negativity, you can have compassion for yourself along with self-care and self-love. If required you can also seek support from your family, friends, or anyone who can provide comfort and care.

8. Join support groups

Being alone in such negative and manipulative situations is risky and not good for your mental health also, you would want to heal from all the trauma that the narcissist had put you through. So do hesitate to reach out to friends and family for emotional support and also join some prayer groups, visit any worship place, if you are a believer, or join some communities or therapy groups that help in healing and dealing with trauma.

9. Remember that you cannot control other people’s actions

You are just responsible for what you do, how you react and respond, and how you handle things and situations in life. So if you expect to have control over others, especially, a narcissist it is just in vain, as narcissists are control freaks and they do as they wish to. So just remember that you cannot control other people’s actions, so do not get worried, just learn to act fiercely against them, hold your ground and defy your truth.

10. Get out of the relationship and do not return

Getting out of such an abusive relationship is one of the best ways to handle the abuser and the manipulation. Just look at all the red flags and seek your way out of the abusive relationship. Do not endure the pain and manipulation and hurt just let go of the relationship and be happy.

How to make yourself free from Narcissistic manipulation and trauma?

By the time you realize that you had a troublesome and traumatic relationship due to a narcissistic partner, you would be able to understand the below-provided points. If you realize that you are a narcissistic partner or have gained narcissistic traits from your narcissistic parents or anyone with narcissism, then also these points will help you. So please keep reading further,

Learning about your truths and conducts, while keeping aside all the falses that you have created, and acknowledging them can be the initial step.
Excluding yourself from a group of narcissistic people and finding appropriate company in the form of friends, and a life partner can be one of the ways to keep yourself aloof from that atmosphere.
Look after your physical health with the help of exercises, yoga, meditation, and any form of physical workout.
Look after your mental health with the help of meditation, reading good books, seeking help from your loved ones, listening to music, and doing more things that keep your interest at its peak.

Consult a mental health expert, a therapist, or anyone who can guide you for that matter.
Try connecting more with nature by hiking, swimming, jogging in the fresh air, and any possible means which can get you closure to nature.
Give appropriate time to yourself to heal internally; do not force healing upon yourself.
Find things that keep you away from negative thoughts, negative people, and a negative atmosphere.
Learning new skills, meeting new people, and visiting new places also play a crucial role in freeing yourself from narcissistic characteristics.
Improve your sleep schedule, by going early to bed and waking before the sun rises.
Seeking which type of therapy suits you the best and consulting a therapist is the best idea for starters to cope with childhood trauma.

Conclusion

Gaslighting is one of the most common tactics used by a narcissist to manipulate their victims. Often while discussing about manipulation tactics, one word often comes to notice and that is gaslighting. Narcissists are experts in twisting and turning situations, your words, their lies, facts, and anything that can make them look good and worthy in their favor in no time.

Learning more about gaslighters, their techniques, and their conduct can help you to learn more about such abusers.

Focusing on positivity, healing, and connecting with better people can help you to cope with trauma and abuse.

Give importance to self-love. Do not let anyone bring down your confidence, self-esteem, and self-love for that matter.

Author
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Ella Carrillo

Hey Reader, I am Ella, an Online and Offline Therapist holding an experience of 6 years in this field.

From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.

Do Narcissists Know That They are Gaslighting? (& How to Deal with it?)

What is Gaslighting?